Wrongful Convictions: Letting Go of Negative Self-Beliefs
Why is it so hard for us to let go of the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves? Why, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, do we cling to convictions that we are bad, weak, flawed, unlovable, worthless, or not good enough? These negative self-beliefs are often tied to limiting and self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors. They are typically rooted in past experiences, often in childhood. These experiences often involved shame, embarrassment, rejection, criticism, fear, or abandonment. We were told we were a failure, shown we were unlovable, shamed for who we are. Whatever the specific history, the creation of the internalized self-belief is often an attempt to avoid future harm or humiliation by changing the behaviors that brought on the injury in the past. By believing the stories of our failings, we lock ourselves in a protective box, but we also shrink ourselves and our potential futures.
Clients frequently express desire to let go of these limiting, painful beliefs. They are frustrated and confused by their inability to free themself from the narratives. They may have a deep knowledge of the causes of their beliefs and may have cognitive awareness of the untruth and irrationality of the belief. Yet they continue to be under its control. If we relate to ourselves and others as though we are defective and not worthy of love and respect, we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. One who believes they are not good enough may avoid opportunities for career advancement. Another who believes they are unlovable may push partner after partner away or may stay in an abusive relationship. Someone convinced they are bad might have difficulty receiving feedback and push people away with their defensive reactions. The myriad ways that negative self-beliefs hurt those who hold them are limitless.
Beyond the convictions are the behaviors employed to manage the pain and numb the suffering: substance abuse, disordered eating, perfectionism, self-harm, risk-taking, workaholism, violence to others (emotional, physical, sexual), gambling, etc. Humans who are hurting can be incredibly creative in finding ways to “manage” the pain of hating who we are. These “coping strategies” are often the reason someone seeks therapy. They believe if they could just stop doing “x, y, z” that they would feel better. They know the behaviors are hurting them and hindering their ability to make positive changes in their life. But, I believe the behaviors are secondary to the negative beliefs beneath.
The compulsive strategies are attempts to drown, distract, numb, and control the deeper suffering. In my experience, these coping mechanisms dig in their heels when they are the primary target of therapy. After all, if we think of them as protectors who are afraid the individual will be overwhelmed by the self-hatred and pain, they aren’t going to let go until they feel their duty to protect is relieved.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we believe that everyone has an entire family of internal parts working to keep us safe from harm, to hold painful memories, to advise us on how to relate to ourselves and to others. Most importantly, there are no bad parts. While some parts may drive us to do self-destructive things, there was a point in time when that behavior kept us safe (literally or by suppressing negative emotions). Developing curiosity, compassion, and gratitude towards all our parts is the first step towards healing the wounds they are protecting. IFS calls these protectors managers and firefighters. Managers may be perfectionists, inner critics, or caregivers. They function to control our behavior in order to improve our outward performance, often so no one knows how truly terrible we are underneath. Firefighters operate as agents to suppress the deep pain or shame by engaging in activities that distract or numb, like substance abuse.
Do any of these parts resonate with you? Maybe you are constantly criticizing yourself so that no one can beat you to the punch? Maybe you are verbally abusive to your partner because underneath you don’t feel worthy of their love? Maybe you drown the loneliness you feel in the bottom of a bottle because you believe you are unlovable? But you know, at a deeper level, that you don’t want to feel this way. I believe you don’t have to and I believe you can find the path to healing and inner peace.